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Sandy's Latest Funnies

789537 Views 34855 Replies 127 Participants Last post by  sneaker
This is the new funny thread.

post away but there are some new rules.

no bad language. If you take the time to mark through a word cover it completely,if you can still read the word it’s not covered enough.

no nudity at all.

no political post.

no racist post

keep it clean.

If you violate any of these rules you will be given 1 warning. 2nd time 5 day time out. 3rd time 30 days.

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This may be sung a little more after the stay at home order.
Power steering on our rescue unit with the VFD went out. Yesterday was my first time to drive it since it went out. The one who drove it to the wreck didn't feel like turning around in the middle of the highway and I said I would. Don't need a workout for the rest of the month now.
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Funniest thing I ever drove was a late 40’s Chevy 2 ton truck that had the starter button in the floor along with the other pedals, got to drive it to the dump to unload, loved it!
Learned to drive on a 69 Ford F100 with manual steering. My friends made fun of the large steering wheel but it gave you the leverage to steer it. When the power steering goes out on a vehicle with a small steering wheel it makes a big difference.
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Helpful tools for the shop
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and
then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACK SAW: One of a family of
cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

expose your inadequacy as a welder.
Also useful for removing excess (or non-excess) skin.

Handy tool used for cutting through the power cords of circular saws.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your coffee or beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand. Also used to squeeze objects together until
the JB Weld sets up. Special design forces JB Weld out of joint, causing
object being held to be JB Weld'ed to the Vise Grips.

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

JACK: Used for lowering a tractor to the ground after you have installed
your new brake bands, trapping the jack handle firmly under the rear tire.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a tractor upward off a
hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood and metal

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog or horse sh** off your boot.

EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in the bolt hole you are trying to extract
the stud from. It is designed to be ten times harder than any known drill

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end opposite the handle.

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under engines and tractors
at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading but may have predictive value.

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench
that grips rusty bolts last overtightened 58 years ago by someone at the
Allis Chambers or John Deere factory and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts near the object
we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Can also be inadvertently used on fingers and the palm of your hand
immediately preceding shaking blood all over your shirt and the floor while
expressing deleted expletives.
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