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Sandy's Latest Funnies

790596 Views 34899 Replies 127 Participants Last post by  sneaker
This is the new funny thread.

post away but there are some new rules.

no bad language. If you take the time to mark through a word cover it completely,if you can still read the word it’s not covered enough.

no nudity at all.

no political post.

no racist post

keep it clean.

If you violate any of these rules you will be given 1 warning. 2nd time 5 day time out. 3rd time 30 days.

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We can all thank the software writers for the ignore feature.
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Disclaimer: If not forum PC, I posted for a friend, errr x-friend.

I was traveling between Denver and Colorado Springs the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too, was flat

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat?" asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans..

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!" I shouted.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts bossoms and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped,

I jumped out.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
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Our stocks crashed, we get <1.0% on any fixed deposits and our Superannuation is stuffed. Fires and floods. And now a virus pandemic. The down turn is hitting everybody really hard! Things couldn’t be much worse judging by this:

1. In NY I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

2. Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 US Congressmen.

3. If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

4. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

5. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

6. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her.

7. A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria.

8. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

9. The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally; I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!"

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy! You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them both!" And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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